I took a workshop this weekend with Jane Jenkins and Janet Hirshenson. I went in with no expectations and guess what! I wasn't disappointed. The experience sort of ripened on me today... mulling over what the feedback was:
You have to get rid of this tentative quality if you are going to really dive into the deep end of the pool...
It resonated... but not really until just now. I see it so clearly. I am always testing the waters and checking myself from simply fully committing to choices. So what I thought was a lukewarm comment about a scene, was a gem of observation from some of the best in the business.
How lucky am I?
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Sigh...
I just went back through my posts to see when it was that I actually got cast in The Love Song of J Robert Oppenheimer and it was six months ago... and we just closed tonight. Such an amazing experience.
The opportunity to work with a cast that was so committed to the play and each other's well being was very special. The work just deepened and deepened. The connections on stage really sang.
I fell in love. With each member of the cast, with the craft, the directors and the whole crew. That peaceful kind of rich love that gives you the sense that you are walking in grace. The quiet kind, that says yup this here is where the real work happens.
The amazing thing is for me, I was finally able to use life experiences that I have held at bay because they were so hot for so long that they were unpredictable and would run away with me. I would not allow myself to go to the dark places required to inform my work because I couldn't channel it successfully to the given circumstances of the play. It would lead to general emotions of what I call "broad stroke anger" or "broad stroke grief" that lacked dimension and delineation. In Oppenheimer, I was finally able to use these old betrayals, fears, anger and grief and have them fall into service of my art.
There was a scene in which I confront Oppie about his dead mistress... To do so in any way that was real I had to revisit my own experience of betrayal. I felt like I was cheating when I tried to do substitutions and the Magic Ifs... always skirting around the truth of where those emotions live for me. So I took the plunge. 40 years ago I learned that my father had been having an affair with a woman. It explained the mysterious disappearances, some strange behaviors and a lot of drinking. The confrontation ended ultimately with his suicide. I found him in the garage. Not surprising that I haven't been able to touch it ... it is fucking brutal territory. But in this show, thanks to prep in class with Price and Eb last winter, and the deep trust I had for my directors and cast mates... I was able to use this experience in service to the character. Still hurts like a certain ring of Dante's Hell and I am at a loss as to know which one... but is was at last useful... and that is healing... that all that emotion is now available to serve instead of destroy...
The unexpected part is this... Now that I can use the brutal experiences, that thick layer of protective gauze that has enveloped my work for years... okay decades... the one that made me quit for seven years because it hurt too much to peel it away ... has now been removed. The result is the joyous emotions are all that much more joyous, the love is all the much more loving and the pain has a raison d'etre...
Its better than therapy and much much more gratifying... I am alive to talk about it...
The opportunity to work with a cast that was so committed to the play and each other's well being was very special. The work just deepened and deepened. The connections on stage really sang.
I fell in love. With each member of the cast, with the craft, the directors and the whole crew. That peaceful kind of rich love that gives you the sense that you are walking in grace. The quiet kind, that says yup this here is where the real work happens.
The amazing thing is for me, I was finally able to use life experiences that I have held at bay because they were so hot for so long that they were unpredictable and would run away with me. I would not allow myself to go to the dark places required to inform my work because I couldn't channel it successfully to the given circumstances of the play. It would lead to general emotions of what I call "broad stroke anger" or "broad stroke grief" that lacked dimension and delineation. In Oppenheimer, I was finally able to use these old betrayals, fears, anger and grief and have them fall into service of my art.
There was a scene in which I confront Oppie about his dead mistress... To do so in any way that was real I had to revisit my own experience of betrayal. I felt like I was cheating when I tried to do substitutions and the Magic Ifs... always skirting around the truth of where those emotions live for me. So I took the plunge. 40 years ago I learned that my father had been having an affair with a woman. It explained the mysterious disappearances, some strange behaviors and a lot of drinking. The confrontation ended ultimately with his suicide. I found him in the garage. Not surprising that I haven't been able to touch it ... it is fucking brutal territory. But in this show, thanks to prep in class with Price and Eb last winter, and the deep trust I had for my directors and cast mates... I was able to use this experience in service to the character. Still hurts like a certain ring of Dante's Hell and I am at a loss as to know which one... but is was at last useful... and that is healing... that all that emotion is now available to serve instead of destroy...
The unexpected part is this... Now that I can use the brutal experiences, that thick layer of protective gauze that has enveloped my work for years... okay decades... the one that made me quit for seven years because it hurt too much to peel it away ... has now been removed. The result is the joyous emotions are all that much more joyous, the love is all the much more loving and the pain has a raison d'etre...
Its better than therapy and much much more gratifying... I am alive to talk about it...
Monday, September 21, 2009
seeking perfection in an imperfect art form...
We just finished the second week of our run with The Love Song of J Robert Oppenheimer. Its really cool to feel it maturing and relaxing into a groove. We all know where the changes are, there is no more sense of low grade panic backstage. Its been replaced with a sense of timing and flow.
There's a thing that happens in the theater now ... the air gets a dense feeling to it, as if it has a texture. Every performance is different... carrying with it the emotions and feelings of each cast member.
For that reason, I think its an imperfect art form. Doesn't seem to be possible to "Do It Right." You can say the words in the right order, get on stage at the same time every night, always do the blocking and the physical business that has been planned, but its never the same. Its always evolving, opening and closing, deepening and moving on... That's what makes it so exciting. The dynamic between two performers is always compelling and always a bit different. As much as I want to hit the same notes every night, they are always colored with a slightly different hue, depending on what I have going on... The beauty is, its seems to add depth to the characters.
I have gotten over my fears of total and abject failure. The key was trust. Trusting that I am growing and developing the character, with in the parameters of the directors vision, but growing none the less.
Wondering what is going to happen after closing... no show lined up... probably need a break... do I want one... nope.
There's a thing that happens in the theater now ... the air gets a dense feeling to it, as if it has a texture. Every performance is different... carrying with it the emotions and feelings of each cast member.
For that reason, I think its an imperfect art form. Doesn't seem to be possible to "Do It Right." You can say the words in the right order, get on stage at the same time every night, always do the blocking and the physical business that has been planned, but its never the same. Its always evolving, opening and closing, deepening and moving on... That's what makes it so exciting. The dynamic between two performers is always compelling and always a bit different. As much as I want to hit the same notes every night, they are always colored with a slightly different hue, depending on what I have going on... The beauty is, its seems to add depth to the characters.
I have gotten over my fears of total and abject failure. The key was trust. Trusting that I am growing and developing the character, with in the parameters of the directors vision, but growing none the less.
Wondering what is going to happen after closing... no show lined up... probably need a break... do I want one... nope.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
no words...
"How do I presume, and how should I begin... "
The opening lines (or something like it) for The Love Song of J Robert Oppenheimer...
Kind of how I feel at the moment. We opened on Friday after an intense three and a half weeks of rehearsal. The show is one of the best I've been in for many reasons...I will try to articulate them here but I may have to revisit it for some weeks to get some real perspective.
Okay so there is the word love in the title... and it was part of the whole tone, a tone that was set in the theater by Vic Browder and Julia Thudium, co-directors of the play for Mother Road Theater Company. Something so strong that I can only describe it as Reiki Energy. The process of rehearsing was one of love and compassion, not the airy fairy, touchy feely, creepy co-dependent "I'm okay you're okay" kind. It was the real kind. Tough, calling out unreal moments. Demanding, always setting the bar a little higher; the kind of energy that cracks what ever codes that need to be broken, to access the really good, deep work; and get to the truth of the Story. All the while guided by real vision and the ability to see it realized.
I am playing Kitty Oppenheimer. She is alcoholic, isolated by choice (as only an alcoholic can be ~ and don't I know it so well), and alienated from her contemporaries by her past. I imagine in the 1940's it was sort of difficult for her to fit in to the military environment of Los Alamos, given that she was German born, a member of the American Communist Party, and had been married three times before the age of 29. A threat to the military men on two counts and their wives on one...
I have probably the least number of lines in the show, and only play the one character, while Bill Sterchi, Brian Haney, Mark Hisler, and Courtney Cunningham play a several characters each and are on and off stage shaking off one costume and changing to another in a flash... sometimes literally. It is strangely isolating to be sitting backstage while they fly from one thing to the next. Oppie (Chris Atwood Hall) and Lilith (Danielle Louise Reddick) are never off stage, Lilith living in the cat walk over the stage. But lines or no lines, any appearance has just as much responsibility as any. Kitty creates a huge impact whenever she appears. Whip smart and intensely funny, she speaks her mind as it comes up... doesn't bother censoring until its too late, and even then... apologies tend to be at your expense. She could be a decidedly unpleasant character... if she wasn't so frightened and so deeply in love with Oppenheimer.
The cast. The cast is ... magnificent. (Them not me... more on that later). Each of the different characters are so well crafted that they are never "sketches" but deeply known portrayals of important factors of the story...
My work has been spotty. Some places connected and feeling good. Other times, I feel like a loose canon and have to guard against self annihilation, which is only tedious and a waste of energy. I remind myself that feelings aren't facts... move on. Suffice to say that after two performances, I felt locked in today and am grateful to have 14 more to enjoy.
okay so that's a start... more tomorrow.. too sleepy to continue articulately...
The opening lines (or something like it) for The Love Song of J Robert Oppenheimer...
Kind of how I feel at the moment. We opened on Friday after an intense three and a half weeks of rehearsal. The show is one of the best I've been in for many reasons...I will try to articulate them here but I may have to revisit it for some weeks to get some real perspective.
Okay so there is the word love in the title... and it was part of the whole tone, a tone that was set in the theater by Vic Browder and Julia Thudium, co-directors of the play for Mother Road Theater Company. Something so strong that I can only describe it as Reiki Energy. The process of rehearsing was one of love and compassion, not the airy fairy, touchy feely, creepy co-dependent "I'm okay you're okay" kind. It was the real kind. Tough, calling out unreal moments. Demanding, always setting the bar a little higher; the kind of energy that cracks what ever codes that need to be broken, to access the really good, deep work; and get to the truth of the Story. All the while guided by real vision and the ability to see it realized.
I am playing Kitty Oppenheimer. She is alcoholic, isolated by choice (as only an alcoholic can be ~ and don't I know it so well), and alienated from her contemporaries by her past. I imagine in the 1940's it was sort of difficult for her to fit in to the military environment of Los Alamos, given that she was German born, a member of the American Communist Party, and had been married three times before the age of 29. A threat to the military men on two counts and their wives on one...
I have probably the least number of lines in the show, and only play the one character, while Bill Sterchi, Brian Haney, Mark Hisler, and Courtney Cunningham play a several characters each and are on and off stage shaking off one costume and changing to another in a flash... sometimes literally. It is strangely isolating to be sitting backstage while they fly from one thing to the next. Oppie (Chris Atwood Hall) and Lilith (Danielle Louise Reddick) are never off stage, Lilith living in the cat walk over the stage. But lines or no lines, any appearance has just as much responsibility as any. Kitty creates a huge impact whenever she appears. Whip smart and intensely funny, she speaks her mind as it comes up... doesn't bother censoring until its too late, and even then... apologies tend to be at your expense. She could be a decidedly unpleasant character... if she wasn't so frightened and so deeply in love with Oppenheimer.
The cast. The cast is ... magnificent. (Them not me... more on that later). Each of the different characters are so well crafted that they are never "sketches" but deeply known portrayals of important factors of the story...
My work has been spotty. Some places connected and feeling good. Other times, I feel like a loose canon and have to guard against self annihilation, which is only tedious and a waste of energy. I remind myself that feelings aren't facts... move on. Suffice to say that after two performances, I felt locked in today and am grateful to have 14 more to enjoy.
okay so that's a start... more tomorrow.. too sleepy to continue articulately...
Friday, September 11, 2009
another opening another show...
The Love Song of J Robert Oppenheimer opens tonight. I think its the reason I started this blog in the first place ... I haven't been so in love with a show since Brian Friel's Translations. More over the weekend as I have had a chance to really process the journey. It is such a good one. I now I am back firmly on the Actor's Path. As my husband so sweetly observed... "seems like you have reconnected to your tribe..."
Monday, August 10, 2009
And of course if your HAIR looks good then it must be good...
The episode of In Plain Sight that I booked (see Gurney wrangling post...) aired last night as the cliffhanger finale to the season... it was so amazing to see what they did with it. Check it out if you can... that's me in scrubs on the left of the gurney...they used the sequence twice. Once as a wide shot, with sound, and once again later in a memory sequence as a close-up MOS. Looks really cool and I have nice coverage in both. And my hair... well say no more...
Sunday, August 9, 2009
All's well that ends well...
We close Passenger on the Ship of Fools tonight. Its been an amazing and humbling experience.
The good news is I have fallen in love with acting again.
Our great friends Kelly and Michael were here last evening and we talked about the play in detail. I portray Katherine Anne Porter between the ages of 40 and 65 or so as well as several other characters that factored in her short stories and in her life, including her grandmother and her father. Many of the changes happen quickly and on stage, though the transition to Hemingway... yes, that Hemingway... does get the benefit of an element of surprise as I enter from off stage. Kelly asked about how the transitions happen. This is where I realized that the fire in the belly was back... its in the physical leads that the characters come alive. Each one has a specific physicality that once established, informs the words and makes it feel natural.
For example, the Condessa (a drug addicted faded beauty) is all torsion through her torso. So a twist to the spine and a specific defensive, victim hand gesture triggers her next beat. The Father is dissolute, his spine is slack and the gesture one of need for a cigarette, the boyfriend David is all loose limbed, prep school and country club confidence. He is a smooth mover with grace and agility. Hemingway, takes two steps at a time, is barrel chested and maybe has a prostate kind of thing going on... Katherine Anne herself is light in stature, bird - like by description though incredibly strong on the inside. She has survived things that most would have never been able to brook. Her world is one of fabrication and yet she is completely present. She fidgets with her pearls in an almost constant state of reassurance.
It is so fun to find these physicalities and let them trigger the needs of the character propeling them into the next beat and causing the words to happen.
This is the joy I am experiencing, the territory that I was only able to tap in a surface way before. I am really looking forward to the next show The Love Song of J. Robert Oppenheimer to deepen the work. This time with one character - Kitty Oppenheimer.
The whole process feels as if I have been in a blender. I've been tumbled free of blocks and a carapace that has built up over time. It is humbling and thrilling at the same time...
The good news is I have fallen in love with acting again.
Our great friends Kelly and Michael were here last evening and we talked about the play in detail. I portray Katherine Anne Porter between the ages of 40 and 65 or so as well as several other characters that factored in her short stories and in her life, including her grandmother and her father. Many of the changes happen quickly and on stage, though the transition to Hemingway... yes, that Hemingway... does get the benefit of an element of surprise as I enter from off stage. Kelly asked about how the transitions happen. This is where I realized that the fire in the belly was back... its in the physical leads that the characters come alive. Each one has a specific physicality that once established, informs the words and makes it feel natural.
For example, the Condessa (a drug addicted faded beauty) is all torsion through her torso. So a twist to the spine and a specific defensive, victim hand gesture triggers her next beat. The Father is dissolute, his spine is slack and the gesture one of need for a cigarette, the boyfriend David is all loose limbed, prep school and country club confidence. He is a smooth mover with grace and agility. Hemingway, takes two steps at a time, is barrel chested and maybe has a prostate kind of thing going on... Katherine Anne herself is light in stature, bird - like by description though incredibly strong on the inside. She has survived things that most would have never been able to brook. Her world is one of fabrication and yet she is completely present. She fidgets with her pearls in an almost constant state of reassurance.
It is so fun to find these physicalities and let them trigger the needs of the character propeling them into the next beat and causing the words to happen.
This is the joy I am experiencing, the territory that I was only able to tap in a surface way before. I am really looking forward to the next show The Love Song of J. Robert Oppenheimer to deepen the work. This time with one character - Kitty Oppenheimer.
The whole process feels as if I have been in a blender. I've been tumbled free of blocks and a carapace that has built up over time. It is humbling and thrilling at the same time...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Okay a vow is a vow...
Hello and oh my god... June 17 was so long ago. I remember somewhere in the distant past a vow to blog at least once a week... so I renew my pledge and get on with it...
Rehearsals were nothing short of illuminating. I am not the same person I was the last time I did a show. What's different? I am married, 50 years old, a business owner, a producer with a track record. All these things taken separately are enough to cause a lot of change in a person's way of showing up in the world. Combined and thrown into an old art form, all hell breaks loose.
I learned so much about myself and am happy to report that I am really glad to be acting again. There were moments, many of them, when the rehearsal schedule was going awry in an un-airconditioned theater, without the benefit of AEA union pay (my first show having left the union), that I thought I would really rather have spent the summer in the mountains relaxing.
Now that we are open I am so glad to be digging in... I play Katherine Anne Porter between the ages of 40 & 60 when she is in the belly of life so to speak. I also play several other characters from her life and the fictionalized versions of them that she used in her extraordinary short stories.
If you are in ABQ, do come out to see us... here's a link to a mention on the albuqueruqeARTS blog Impromptu
More later... for sure.
Rehearsals were nothing short of illuminating. I am not the same person I was the last time I did a show. What's different? I am married, 50 years old, a business owner, a producer with a track record. All these things taken separately are enough to cause a lot of change in a person's way of showing up in the world. Combined and thrown into an old art form, all hell breaks loose.
I learned so much about myself and am happy to report that I am really glad to be acting again. There were moments, many of them, when the rehearsal schedule was going awry in an un-airconditioned theater, without the benefit of AEA union pay (my first show having left the union), that I thought I would really rather have spent the summer in the mountains relaxing.
Now that we are open I am so glad to be digging in... I play Katherine Anne Porter between the ages of 40 & 60 when she is in the belly of life so to speak. I also play several other characters from her life and the fictionalized versions of them that she used in her extraordinary short stories.
If you are in ABQ, do come out to see us... here's a link to a mention on the albuqueruqeARTS blog Impromptu
More later... for sure.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Time Flies When You Go Underground
Wow. Its been over a month since I posted anything. There is so much to report. I have been on many auditions. Crash is now casting its second season. Went in for a fantastic role that was a recurring. It went to a wonderful actress from LA that I've seen in a lot of things. It was nice to be in the ring for a minute there.
Started rehearsals for Passenger on the Ship of Fools this week. Amazing script based on a moment in the life of Katherine Anne Porter, known as the female equivalent of Hemingway. It is set at the turning point of her life when she was finishing her only novel Ship of Fools.
I have to say, I took a moment outside the theater door when I arrived for the first rehearsal. Its at the Vortex Theater here in Albuquerque. I stood there, looking at the shadow box marquee with the show poster for the current production in it... savoring the feeling that I was walking in to a sacred space. A theater, with dressing rooms, a lobby and concession stand, a green room, a backstage area... wow. The smell, as the front door opened, was like an special incense made for that world; the world of imagination, creation, interpretation, and story. I think its probably what heaven smells like.
Also booked my first movie. Its a short film for the 48 Hour Film Project. Pretty darn excited about that!
Good to feel back in the saddle. I have not been posting because things got sort of nutty. My dear aging JuJu dog has an inoperable tumor that is causing her kidneys to fail. She seems outwardly good, but we are on borrowed time with her now. Our radio world continues to gallop apace. There are new shows in the archive to listen to, which are really fun. Hope you'll take time to visit Art of the Song Creativity Radio.
Started rehearsals for Passenger on the Ship of Fools this week. Amazing script based on a moment in the life of Katherine Anne Porter, known as the female equivalent of Hemingway. It is set at the turning point of her life when she was finishing her only novel Ship of Fools.
I have to say, I took a moment outside the theater door when I arrived for the first rehearsal. Its at the Vortex Theater here in Albuquerque. I stood there, looking at the shadow box marquee with the show poster for the current production in it... savoring the feeling that I was walking in to a sacred space. A theater, with dressing rooms, a lobby and concession stand, a green room, a backstage area... wow. The smell, as the front door opened, was like an special incense made for that world; the world of imagination, creation, interpretation, and story. I think its probably what heaven smells like.
Also booked my first movie. Its a short film for the 48 Hour Film Project. Pretty darn excited about that!
Good to feel back in the saddle. I have not been posting because things got sort of nutty. My dear aging JuJu dog has an inoperable tumor that is causing her kidneys to fail. She seems outwardly good, but we are on borrowed time with her now. Our radio world continues to gallop apace. There are new shows in the archive to listen to, which are really fun. Hope you'll take time to visit Art of the Song Creativity Radio.
Monday, May 4, 2009
I don't have to choose, do I?
I've been in the midst of many things lately. It seems that there is always a lot to do, but the most fortunate thing is that I love all of it. Last week was fund drive week at Art of the Song Creativity Radio, which featured a Live event, a grant application and our annual letter to fans who support our mission of encouraging creative expression.
Art of the Song Live from the Filling Station in Albuquerque was too fun. Brad Stoddard and Tony Della Flora (Duke City Shoot Out) put together a team to shoot the event for ABQ's new cable access channel 26 Encantada TV. A four camera shoot is not easy with a lot of lead time and a budget. What they pulled off in three weeks, with no budget was amazing. Can't wait to share it with you when the edit is finished.
What does this have to do with acting? I went to a SAG Converstations program last fall with the cast of Breaking Bad. One thing that was repeated there and I've heard elsewhere a million times, is that if there is something you would rather do than act, then do THAT. It made me wonder... because I love doing my radio show, and I love acting. I think that, while I might never be Terry Gross or Laura Linney, I can live an incredibly fulfilling life being me doing both careers. As a Gemini, choices are stressful things. Both is usually the answer. Except when it comes to dessert...oh yes, and husbands.
Art of the Song Live from the Filling Station in Albuquerque was too fun. Brad Stoddard and Tony Della Flora (Duke City Shoot Out) put together a team to shoot the event for ABQ's new cable access channel 26 Encantada TV. A four camera shoot is not easy with a lot of lead time and a budget. What they pulled off in three weeks, with no budget was amazing. Can't wait to share it with you when the edit is finished.
What does this have to do with acting? I went to a SAG Converstations program last fall with the cast of Breaking Bad. One thing that was repeated there and I've heard elsewhere a million times, is that if there is something you would rather do than act, then do THAT. It made me wonder... because I love doing my radio show, and I love acting. I think that, while I might never be Terry Gross or Laura Linney, I can live an incredibly fulfilling life being me doing both careers. As a Gemini, choices are stressful things. Both is usually the answer. Except when it comes to dessert...oh yes, and husbands.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Gurney rangling & wild rides
What a trip... I shot the episode of In Plain Sight on Monday. It was really fun... I am a perfectionist and always feel that I could/should have done better. The experience of working at high speed navigating a gurney around two corners and through two sets of double doors while talking in a doctor like fashion was the most valuable exercise. Nothing can prepare one for that except experience. Which I now have! The cast and crew were great. It will air in a couple of weeks, so I'll let you know!
The biggest lesson learned was again about concentration and focus. When that is in place, all the bits and pieces can fall where they may. My performance will have a level of professionalism that is sustainable and leads to more work.
Now here's the greatest challenge... overcoming the mental stuff that wants me to believe that I don't really want to do this "acting thing." It's the voice that made me quit two or three times before. It's the voice of low self esteem that has in the past succeeded in getting me distracted. The distraction manifests as the sudden overwhelming need to start another career, or eat cookies and drink caffeinated beverages. Which would in turn create anxiety and prove to me that I am not cut out for this business. I am grateful to have a really amazing support group that I can express the fears of inadequacy to and move on. Quitting is not an option this time.
I did succumb to a part of a fruit tart and some real ice tea and what a surprise, I was total mess at the end of the night. Another lesson learned. That's small potatoes compared to where we could have gone, yes?
Looking forward... audition today for a movie. Teaching a lot of workshops and getting great creativity coaching clients on board...and its Spring. So beautiful.
The biggest lesson learned was again about concentration and focus. When that is in place, all the bits and pieces can fall where they may. My performance will have a level of professionalism that is sustainable and leads to more work.
Now here's the greatest challenge... overcoming the mental stuff that wants me to believe that I don't really want to do this "acting thing." It's the voice that made me quit two or three times before. It's the voice of low self esteem that has in the past succeeded in getting me distracted. The distraction manifests as the sudden overwhelming need to start another career, or eat cookies and drink caffeinated beverages. Which would in turn create anxiety and prove to me that I am not cut out for this business. I am grateful to have a really amazing support group that I can express the fears of inadequacy to and move on. Quitting is not an option this time.
I did succumb to a part of a fruit tart and some real ice tea and what a surprise, I was total mess at the end of the night. Another lesson learned. That's small potatoes compared to where we could have gone, yes?
Looking forward... audition today for a movie. Teaching a lot of workshops and getting great creativity coaching clients on board...and its Spring. So beautiful.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
and Breathing Out
Just got the call... I am booked to play the doctor on In Plain Sight, shooting this Friday...
and breathing in ...
and breathing out...
and smiling...
a lot...
and breathing in ...
and breathing out...
and smiling...
a lot...
The Art of Breathing In...
The first acting class I ever went to was in Carmel Valley, CA. A former teacher at the American Conservatory Theater in San Francisco was giving a one day workshop at a community center there. I think it was 1986. I had been doing a show at the Forest Theater in Carmel and had fallen head over heels in love with the intense concentration of acting. I was managing the Pebble Beach Equestrian Center at the time and would go to my rehearsals sometimes straight from work in my riding boots.
The class was amazing. The first experience I had ever had that allowed me to explore my inner world. One of his instructions, (I wish I could remember his name... it was long and I think French?) was to breathe deeply. After a couple of rounds he stopped everyone and said "Breathing deeply isn't just about breathing out. You all need to learn how to breathe in as deeply as you breathe out."
I share this with you today because of my continued fascination with the concentration of acting, and that, after many years I think I have finally learned how to breathe in...
My wonderful agent Lynette O'Connor (O'Agency) called last night at 7:30 to let me know that I was still in the running for a part on IPS that was being written in and out by the hour. It was actually for the part of the Doctor, that I originally prepared as reported in my last post. The table read is today so my guess is that it went either to the other actor they were considering or it was written out for good...
What this has to do with Breathing In, you ask... in meditation, breathing in is what stokes the fires of spiritual connection. It is the breath of inspiration and the ability to receive the gifts that the universe has in store for us. Abraham/Hicks talks about breathing in, knowing that my emotional escrow of joy and success is there, essentially collecting compound interest. Upon the long, slow, deliscious breath in... I know that it is only a matter of recognizing my successful actor career as witnessed by many bookings... on breathing out I send gratitude for all that I have and all that I have that I can not see as yet. Breathing in allows me to clear my vision, and stay alive in the mystery that we really never know what's around the next corner, or what's going on behind closed doors...
The class was amazing. The first experience I had ever had that allowed me to explore my inner world. One of his instructions, (I wish I could remember his name... it was long and I think French?) was to breathe deeply. After a couple of rounds he stopped everyone and said "Breathing deeply isn't just about breathing out. You all need to learn how to breathe in as deeply as you breathe out."
I share this with you today because of my continued fascination with the concentration of acting, and that, after many years I think I have finally learned how to breathe in...
My wonderful agent Lynette O'Connor (O'Agency) called last night at 7:30 to let me know that I was still in the running for a part on IPS that was being written in and out by the hour. It was actually for the part of the Doctor, that I originally prepared as reported in my last post. The table read is today so my guess is that it went either to the other actor they were considering or it was written out for good...
What this has to do with Breathing In, you ask... in meditation, breathing in is what stokes the fires of spiritual connection. It is the breath of inspiration and the ability to receive the gifts that the universe has in store for us. Abraham/Hicks talks about breathing in, knowing that my emotional escrow of joy and success is there, essentially collecting compound interest. Upon the long, slow, deliscious breath in... I know that it is only a matter of recognizing my successful actor career as witnessed by many bookings... on breathing out I send gratitude for all that I have and all that I have that I can not see as yet. Breathing in allows me to clear my vision, and stay alive in the mystery that we really never know what's around the next corner, or what's going on behind closed doors...
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
rewrites and auditions
Just home from an audition for In Plain Sight. A great part, that was extensively re-written since the sides were sent out yesterday. Its always an honor to audition, for anything actually, and its makes it double fun when there is a chance to go straight on instinct. Because it was a doctor's role, the need stayed essentially unchanged. The new scene was heightened by an extreme emergency situation. The scene I was prepared to do took place after the real emergency was over. So the heightened awareness of the emergency was actually fed by my heightened nerves about doing a scene I had only looked at for 15 minutes. Good thing I was really early for the call! The director was so gracious and the casting director is always wonderful.
And there's been a shift. A real shift in my work these days. After the embarrassing aforementioned realization, my focus has been so much more effective. More aware of the given circumstances, instead of the annoying thoroughly derailing concern that my ass was too big or I wore the wrong shoes.
I really felt it during the Actor's Lab Double Shot with Price and Eb last Sunday when I worked on two scenes (lucky me!) that were polar opposites. One from a script of Eb Lottimer's and the other from a new script by Rod McCall. The first is a suspense thriller that gave me the opportunity to work on sexuality and revenge. The second, a comedy that borders on slapstick... well, my version did anyway. So I think all the class time in the mastery class and workshops are really starting to pay off. Just being in the work is wonderful.
Hey, if you love creative expression and all that it brings forward into the world check out Art of the Song Creativity Radio and my husband John's blog Find Your Creativity Both provide amazing resources...
And holy cow. The whole money thing right now has me flabbergasted. That there could be so little coming in and so much great stuff going out through Art of the Song. Its really testing my faith and my belief that all will be well. It will right?
And there's been a shift. A real shift in my work these days. After the embarrassing aforementioned realization, my focus has been so much more effective. More aware of the given circumstances, instead of the annoying thoroughly derailing concern that my ass was too big or I wore the wrong shoes.
I really felt it during the Actor's Lab Double Shot with Price and Eb last Sunday when I worked on two scenes (lucky me!) that were polar opposites. One from a script of Eb Lottimer's and the other from a new script by Rod McCall. The first is a suspense thriller that gave me the opportunity to work on sexuality and revenge. The second, a comedy that borders on slapstick... well, my version did anyway. So I think all the class time in the mastery class and workshops are really starting to pay off. Just being in the work is wonderful.
Hey, if you love creative expression and all that it brings forward into the world check out Art of the Song Creativity Radio and my husband John's blog Find Your Creativity Both provide amazing resources...
And holy cow. The whole money thing right now has me flabbergasted. That there could be so little coming in and so much great stuff going out through Art of the Song. Its really testing my faith and my belief that all will be well. It will right?
Thursday, April 2, 2009
The Drought is Over!
well.... hallelujah. I just got a call from Mother Road Theater Company's Artistic Director Julia Thudium and I've been offered the role of Kitty Oppenheimer in the Love Song of J. Robert Oppenheimer!
So interesting to me... I left the auditions last night in a funk thinking that I had not done a good job of assimilating direction and adjustments. What a relief. I have come close all year. So this feels really good. Kitty is a truly great part and I get to work with my good friend Christopher Hall with a really great company.
I was reading over my post from the other day and had this realization of something so painfully obvious I am embarrassed to share it here. That all those concerns about how I look, my weight, my age etc... have nothing to do with the craft of acting. I don't even think that they have anything to do with the business of acting anymore, really. In the realization I felt this wonderful release of energy, like a great cloud of smoke leaving my body. This sense of freedom in the moment took over. I am now released to focus on the work. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
So interesting to me... I left the auditions last night in a funk thinking that I had not done a good job of assimilating direction and adjustments. What a relief. I have come close all year. So this feels really good. Kitty is a truly great part and I get to work with my good friend Christopher Hall with a really great company.
I was reading over my post from the other day and had this realization of something so painfully obvious I am embarrassed to share it here. That all those concerns about how I look, my weight, my age etc... have nothing to do with the craft of acting. I don't even think that they have anything to do with the business of acting anymore, really. In the realization I felt this wonderful release of energy, like a great cloud of smoke leaving my body. This sense of freedom in the moment took over. I am now released to focus on the work. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Spaghetti western revelations
An odd old voice came up in class last night. At the end of each month we tape our scenes and they get uploaded to The Natural Act website. (I’ll post a link when this month is ready) I was just sitting there, enjoying watching scenes, inspired by my colleagues in class bringing out their best work when I was ambushed by a host of negative messages from some deep, dark, distant place. “You’re not pretty enough for this business and genetically it’s only going to get worse” “who are you kidding? You’re 50!” and the best one “you’re really setting yourself up for a major disappointment.”
Hmmm I say. I had eaten a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs for lunch because it was really cold and I couldn’t get warm. Sitting there hours later feeling the result of wheat sensitivity, and blood sugars crashing about me, I had the where with all to not respond. I mean these are the voices that had been with me a decade and a half ago, when I was 12 pounds lighter, 15 years younger and seeming light years away from any sense of truth about myself. So, I got up to do my scene with the miraculous Linda Martin feeling old, fat, out of place and more than slightly brain damaged. The amazing thing is, I got up to do my scene. I enjoyed the work and in a matter of time was pretty much swept away by the joy of the moment.
Part of my training as an actor was to get sober. 16 years ago I had to choose between a life of any kind and a downward spiral into a special place reserved for those who are not able to believe in the good things people tell them, or the wonder of the world around them or the potential of amazing transformation that lies with in us all. It still shocks me that all these years later, those voices can still muster the energy to attempt to lay waste to my foundation. But they are old and weak and feeble and no match for my joy... what a relief. I had some protein when I got home and fell asleep with John watching Law & Order. Got up and went for a really good long run... take that demon, voices...
Hmmm I say. I had eaten a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs for lunch because it was really cold and I couldn’t get warm. Sitting there hours later feeling the result of wheat sensitivity, and blood sugars crashing about me, I had the where with all to not respond. I mean these are the voices that had been with me a decade and a half ago, when I was 12 pounds lighter, 15 years younger and seeming light years away from any sense of truth about myself. So, I got up to do my scene with the miraculous Linda Martin feeling old, fat, out of place and more than slightly brain damaged. The amazing thing is, I got up to do my scene. I enjoyed the work and in a matter of time was pretty much swept away by the joy of the moment.
Part of my training as an actor was to get sober. 16 years ago I had to choose between a life of any kind and a downward spiral into a special place reserved for those who are not able to believe in the good things people tell them, or the wonder of the world around them or the potential of amazing transformation that lies with in us all. It still shocks me that all these years later, those voices can still muster the energy to attempt to lay waste to my foundation. But they are old and weak and feeble and no match for my joy... what a relief. I had some protein when I got home and fell asleep with John watching Law & Order. Got up and went for a really good long run... take that demon, voices...
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Windy, scattered showers
We're into it now. The windy season. It howls out of the west across the mesa bringing with it lots of dust, and hopeful some film projects.
Its been an intense couple of weeks, with interviews for Art of the Song as well as workshops to take and to facilitate. I have been working from home a lot, I think out of a need to "den up" and not be quite so public. Odd that someone as private as I am has chosen performing as a life path and also chosen to discuss the process here in open forum.
In class the other night Price had us up doing a simple (he always makes it seem simple) exercise. Stand in front of everyone and first, Cry. Real crying. Then Laugh, really laugh. My heart was pounding so hard. I look so f%#$-up when I do either. I was really self conscious and felt this surge of supreme vulnerability come up. Again, seeing us all at our best and most human, yet this time that protective coating was gone and it was so very raw. Not so strange that I found it much harder to laugh than to cry. I have a lot of joy in my life so laughter should be easy right? I have had a lot to sob over in my life but haven't we all? It was hard though, to really let go and be there in the intense grief and giddiness.
Mulling over the scene that I am doing with the miraculous Linda Martin. There is an essential thing missing at the top of the scene that I think comes from not triggering off each other in a real way. We've sort of imposed an obstacle but the real obstacle is that my character has just gone through a life altering experience and the rules have all been changed for her. So my behavior has to be different enough that Linda's character will be moved to respond in a new way.
Hmmm ...
Feeling my way through this return to the craft is cool. I seem to have more resources now emotionally, though I am still tripping my self up. When I look at tape, I am still dealing with seeing a middle aged woman who is not exactly a bombshell by Hollywood standards. Seeing that my self consciousness shows up in really sneaky ways like almost hiding from the camera at times, and collapsing in my midsection so that I look like I am leaking the essential life force out the back of my waist...
I've been told that I need to deal with the visual component of my sexuality by dressing for class as the character would dress and being given scenes where my character is overtly sensual. What is sexy, what shows fire and pizazz for a woman at my stage of life and career?
For me it is more about self confidence and attitude than low cut tops and tight jeans, although they are pretty great. Its about the joy of being in my body, and loving being alive and in relationship to another person. Its about inspiration and giving.
Any perspectives are welcome.
Its been an intense couple of weeks, with interviews for Art of the Song as well as workshops to take and to facilitate. I have been working from home a lot, I think out of a need to "den up" and not be quite so public. Odd that someone as private as I am has chosen performing as a life path and also chosen to discuss the process here in open forum.
In class the other night Price had us up doing a simple (he always makes it seem simple) exercise. Stand in front of everyone and first, Cry. Real crying. Then Laugh, really laugh. My heart was pounding so hard. I look so f%#$-up when I do either. I was really self conscious and felt this surge of supreme vulnerability come up. Again, seeing us all at our best and most human, yet this time that protective coating was gone and it was so very raw. Not so strange that I found it much harder to laugh than to cry. I have a lot of joy in my life so laughter should be easy right? I have had a lot to sob over in my life but haven't we all? It was hard though, to really let go and be there in the intense grief and giddiness.
Mulling over the scene that I am doing with the miraculous Linda Martin. There is an essential thing missing at the top of the scene that I think comes from not triggering off each other in a real way. We've sort of imposed an obstacle but the real obstacle is that my character has just gone through a life altering experience and the rules have all been changed for her. So my behavior has to be different enough that Linda's character will be moved to respond in a new way.
Hmmm ...
Feeling my way through this return to the craft is cool. I seem to have more resources now emotionally, though I am still tripping my self up. When I look at tape, I am still dealing with seeing a middle aged woman who is not exactly a bombshell by Hollywood standards. Seeing that my self consciousness shows up in really sneaky ways like almost hiding from the camera at times, and collapsing in my midsection so that I look like I am leaking the essential life force out the back of my waist...
I've been told that I need to deal with the visual component of my sexuality by dressing for class as the character would dress and being given scenes where my character is overtly sensual. What is sexy, what shows fire and pizazz for a woman at my stage of life and career?
For me it is more about self confidence and attitude than low cut tops and tight jeans, although they are pretty great. Its about the joy of being in my body, and loving being alive and in relationship to another person. Its about inspiration and giving.
Any perspectives are welcome.
Monday, March 23, 2009
More more and more
What an amazing weekend. The TeleSummit was fantastic. So much information from the presenters about how to create, build and manage a career in the arts successfully using all the new media that is available to us. Made me really appreciate how easy it is now to get our work known. Empowering! The talks are available as downloads for the two weeks if you register now!
The workshop I took with Cathy Henderson was nothing short of mind blowing. She teaches, coaches, and inspires with a loving and calculating eye. Her passion for actors and the craft of casting gave me a whole new understanding of the business. The vibe in the room was incredible. So supportive and energized, everyone working for each other in a way that created union and joy.
And man, did we work! Three scenes, one as an audition read for camera, one with a scene partner and one quick, cold read styled mock audition, plus a monologue night showcasing our own choices of material. Her comments along with Rod's, were useful, bonecrackingly on the mark, and talent producing.
I love watching other people work. I mean, I really love watching other actors, no matter where they are in their craft or career. First, its seeing the courage that it takes to commit to a craft like this. I mean really, it's a crazy making business; second, seeing the choices that people make and invest in; third, the pure joy of seeing all that talent come out, and finally, I am a junky for Truth. I was sitting in the waiting room during the monologue showcase on Friday night watching and feeling the energy. There was this rich blend of anxiety, excitement, and desire. The deep wish to do a really good job. Just sitting there in the waiting room feeling all this humanity swirling around I could see that we absolutely were at our best and most vulnerable; which for me is what its all about. If I can be that vulnerable there in the waiting room, I think I'm ready to go in to the auditors room. I'd spent most of the evening out in the parking lot with some friends, doing monologues in a round robin fashion, going around the circle, adding people in as they walked up. Such a great community feel, more like a songwriters circle than actorly... very special.
I feel truly and deeply blessed to have been able to start over out here in the west, where the sky is so big it has room for all these stars.
The workshop I took with Cathy Henderson was nothing short of mind blowing. She teaches, coaches, and inspires with a loving and calculating eye. Her passion for actors and the craft of casting gave me a whole new understanding of the business. The vibe in the room was incredible. So supportive and energized, everyone working for each other in a way that created union and joy.
And man, did we work! Three scenes, one as an audition read for camera, one with a scene partner and one quick, cold read styled mock audition, plus a monologue night showcasing our own choices of material. Her comments along with Rod's, were useful, bonecrackingly on the mark, and talent producing.
I love watching other people work. I mean, I really love watching other actors, no matter where they are in their craft or career. First, its seeing the courage that it takes to commit to a craft like this. I mean really, it's a crazy making business; second, seeing the choices that people make and invest in; third, the pure joy of seeing all that talent come out, and finally, I am a junky for Truth. I was sitting in the waiting room during the monologue showcase on Friday night watching and feeling the energy. There was this rich blend of anxiety, excitement, and desire. The deep wish to do a really good job. Just sitting there in the waiting room feeling all this humanity swirling around I could see that we absolutely were at our best and most vulnerable; which for me is what its all about. If I can be that vulnerable there in the waiting room, I think I'm ready to go in to the auditors room. I'd spent most of the evening out in the parking lot with some friends, doing monologues in a round robin fashion, going around the circle, adding people in as they walked up. Such a great community feel, more like a songwriters circle than actorly... very special.
I feel truly and deeply blessed to have been able to start over out here in the west, where the sky is so big it has room for all these stars.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Getting naked in a shared dressing room with strangers anyone?
There is a shredder truck outside my office window and even my noise canceling headphones can't keep up... so I am taking refuge in a new Art of the Song show going out today with Rokia Traore, she is fabulous. Muuuuchhhh better now...
My audition was great. The director and producer had all the women called back in the room together reading with two different partners... It was interesting and weird at the same time. It was like going to Century 21 in NYC and having to undress in front of half of the other women working downtown, shopping on their lunch hour.
I loved being present for other people's work but kept having to remind myself that I was there to AUDITION, not teach or be a classmate. So it was a great lesson in focus and equanimity. I did not get the part (damn) but my dear friend Beth Bailey did so I am okay with it. I know the part will be served exceptionally well! And there are more opportunities with Mother Road. So I have another shot at it soon.
I pulled a monologue from the audition that I am using tonight for a workshop with Cathy Henderson. I'm really excited about the piece. It has a deep sense of longing to be remembered in the world; a need to have made a difference and that her life had meaning. That she was truly alive in the world even a little bit. There is a need to be absolved from the perceived sins that she had partaken in to feel that aliveness. So it has wonderful levels of vulnerability and power, juxtapositioned with a sense that the End is here so there is an urgency to know the answer to the question "did my life matter."
The workshop is going to be really great on Sunday. Cathy has a lot of projects at the moment and there will also be a couple of directors and producers in attendance. That's what I'm talkin' about...
On Saturday I am moderating a series of talks in our Your Creative Career TeleSummit... Still time to sign up! Check out my first ever teleconference call that is posted there about how to find your authentic voice when you are pitching your work.
I guess my auditions and posting are proof of the pudding...
My audition was great. The director and producer had all the women called back in the room together reading with two different partners... It was interesting and weird at the same time. It was like going to Century 21 in NYC and having to undress in front of half of the other women working downtown, shopping on their lunch hour.
I loved being present for other people's work but kept having to remind myself that I was there to AUDITION, not teach or be a classmate. So it was a great lesson in focus and equanimity. I did not get the part (damn) but my dear friend Beth Bailey did so I am okay with it. I know the part will be served exceptionally well! And there are more opportunities with Mother Road. So I have another shot at it soon.
I pulled a monologue from the audition that I am using tonight for a workshop with Cathy Henderson. I'm really excited about the piece. It has a deep sense of longing to be remembered in the world; a need to have made a difference and that her life had meaning. That she was truly alive in the world even a little bit. There is a need to be absolved from the perceived sins that she had partaken in to feel that aliveness. So it has wonderful levels of vulnerability and power, juxtapositioned with a sense that the End is here so there is an urgency to know the answer to the question "did my life matter."
The workshop is going to be really great on Sunday. Cathy has a lot of projects at the moment and there will also be a couple of directors and producers in attendance. That's what I'm talkin' about...
On Saturday I am moderating a series of talks in our Your Creative Career TeleSummit... Still time to sign up! Check out my first ever teleconference call that is posted there about how to find your authentic voice when you are pitching your work.
I guess my auditions and posting are proof of the pudding...
Monday, March 16, 2009
Class tonight, audition tomorrow and a workshop ...
Life is good here in the Albuquerque acting community. There is always a great class to jump into or a workshop. I am really happy about being called back for Mother Road Theater's production of Life During Wartime. Its cool for me as if I recall correctly from the initial audition, the role calls for a lot of sensuality. While not an issue in life, playing the sexy girl or the sensuous one has not been my natural drift. I am usually called for the underdog or the teacher, counselor, lawyer. So this will be really fun. Its something that I have been working on in my classes with Price Hall and Eb Lottimer. Who'd a thought that I would be able to reconnect to all this, and add in the leading lady roles at 50? Certainly not me and I am happy to be releasing old identities and allowing the new possibilities to flourish.
In class last week we had to bring songs. It was amazing to see the vulnerability and courage that non-singers and singers had going on. Jim Corona brought Drift Away and we all were transported. Every person in the class gave their all and I realized, that's why I do this. That's what I love about this craft.
In class last week we had to bring songs. It was amazing to see the vulnerability and courage that non-singers and singers had going on. Jim Corona brought Drift Away and we all were transported. Every person in the class gave their all and I realized, that's why I do this. That's what I love about this craft.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I've been a student of the actor's craft for over twenty years now. I've worked in regional theater and as an understudy for Mary Steenburgen's Candida at The Roundabout Theater in NYC, countless summer stock productions, outdoor Shakespeares and AEA Waiver. Also a couple of small roles on TV in the premiere episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Breaking Bad and Wildfire.
Mine has been a path that has led me on a lot of interesting side roads. In this blog I will be recounting my reconnection to my path as an actor in what seemed to be an unlikely place out in the wild west of New Mexico. I left NYC almost nine years ago, figuring that the move pretty much torpedoed my career. I justified it for all kinds of reasons. But, as I am sure you know if you are reading this, it is an avocation, a spiritual journey, and one that brings more rewards the deeper I release myself into its flow. So thanks for stopping by, I look forward to sharing this with you and look forward to your comments!
Mine has been a path that has led me on a lot of interesting side roads. In this blog I will be recounting my reconnection to my path as an actor in what seemed to be an unlikely place out in the wild west of New Mexico. I left NYC almost nine years ago, figuring that the move pretty much torpedoed my career. I justified it for all kinds of reasons. But, as I am sure you know if you are reading this, it is an avocation, a spiritual journey, and one that brings more rewards the deeper I release myself into its flow. So thanks for stopping by, I look forward to sharing this with you and look forward to your comments!
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