Gurney rangling & wild rides

What a trip... I shot the episode of In Plain Sight on Monday. It was really fun... I am a perfectionist and always feel that I could/should have done better. The experience of working at high speed navigating a gurney around two corners and through two sets of double doors while talking in a doctor like fashion was the most valuable exercise. Nothing can prepare one for that except experience. Which I now have! The cast and crew were great. It will air in a couple of weeks, so I'll let you know!

The biggest lesson learned was again about concentration and focus. When that is in place, all the bits and pieces can fall where they may. My performance will have a level of professionalism that is sustainable and leads to more work.

Now here's the greatest challenge... overcoming the mental stuff that wants me to believe that I don't really want to do this "acting thing." It's the voice that made me quit two or three times before. It's the voice of low self esteem that has in the past succeeded in getting me distracted. The distraction manifests as the sudden overwhelming need to start another career, or eat cookies and drink caffeinated beverages. Which would in turn create anxiety and prove to me that I am not cut out for this business. I am grateful to have a really amazing support group that I can express the fears of inadequacy to and move on. Quitting is not an option this time.

I did succumb to a part of a fruit tart and some real ice tea and what a surprise, I was total mess at the end of the night. Another lesson learned. That's small potatoes compared to where we could have gone, yes?

Looking forward... audition today for a movie. Teaching a lot of workshops and getting great creativity coaching clients on board...and its Spring. So beautiful.

and Breathing Out

Just got the call... I am booked to play the doctor on In Plain Sight, shooting this Friday...

and breathing in ...

and breathing out...

and smiling...

a lot...

The Art of Breathing In...

The first acting class I ever went to was in Carmel Valley, CA. A former teacher at the American Conservatory Theater in San Francisco was giving a one day workshop at a community center there. I think it was 1986. I had been doing a show at the Forest Theater in Carmel and had fallen head over heels in love with the intense concentration of acting. I was managing the Pebble Beach Equestrian Center at the time and would go to my rehearsals sometimes straight from work in my riding boots.

The class was amazing. The first experience I had ever had that allowed me to explore my inner world. One of his instructions, (I wish I could remember his name... it was long and I think French?) was to breathe deeply. After a couple of rounds he stopped everyone and said "Breathing deeply isn't just about breathing out. You all need to learn how to breathe in as deeply as you breathe out."

I share this with you today because of my continued fascination with the concentration of acting, and that, after many years I think I have finally learned how to breathe in...

My wonderful agent Lynette O'Connor (O'Agency) called last night at 7:30 to let me know that I was still in the running for a part on IPS that was being written in and out by the hour. It was actually for the part of the Doctor, that I originally prepared as reported in my last post. The table read is today so my guess is that it went either to the other actor they were considering or it was written out for good...

What this has to do with Breathing In, you ask... in meditation, breathing in is what stokes the fires of spiritual connection. It is the breath of inspiration and the ability to receive the gifts that the universe has in store for us. Abraham/Hicks talks about breathing in, knowing that my emotional escrow of joy and success is there, essentially collecting compound interest. Upon the long, slow, deliscious breath in... I know that it is only a matter of recognizing my successful actor career as witnessed by many bookings... on breathing out I send gratitude for all that I have and all that I have that I can not see as yet. Breathing in allows me to clear my vision, and stay alive in the mystery that we really never know what's around the next corner, or what's going on behind closed doors...

rewrites and auditions

Just home from an audition for In Plain Sight. A great part, that was extensively re-written since the sides were sent out yesterday. Its always an honor to audition, for anything actually, and its makes it double fun when there is a chance to go straight on instinct. Because it was a doctor's role, the need stayed essentially unchanged. The new scene was heightened by an extreme emergency situation. The scene I was prepared to do took place after the real emergency was over. So the heightened awareness of the emergency was actually fed by my heightened nerves about doing a scene I had only looked at for 15 minutes. Good thing I was really early for the call! The director was so gracious and the casting director is always wonderful.

And there's been a shift. A real shift in my work these days. After the embarrassing aforementioned realization, my focus has been so much more effective. More aware of the given circumstances, instead of the annoying thoroughly derailing concern that my ass was too big or I wore the wrong shoes.

I really felt it during the Actor's Lab Double Shot with Price and Eb last Sunday when I worked on two scenes (lucky me!) that were polar opposites. One from a script of Eb Lottimer's and the other from a new script by Rod McCall. The first is a suspense thriller that gave me the opportunity to work on sexuality and revenge. The second, a comedy that borders on slapstick... well, my version did anyway. So I think all the class time in the mastery class and workshops are really starting to pay off. Just being in the work is wonderful.

Hey, if you love creative expression and all that it brings forward into the world check out Art of the Song Creativity Radio and my husband John's blog Find Your Creativity Both provide amazing resources...

And holy cow. The whole money thing right now has me flabbergasted. That there could be so little coming in and so much great stuff going out through Art of the Song. Its really testing my faith and my belief that all will be well. It will right?

The Drought is Over!

well.... hallelujah. I just got a call from Mother Road Theater Company's Artistic Director Julia Thudium and I've been offered the role of Kitty Oppenheimer in the Love Song of J. Robert Oppenheimer!

So interesting to me... I left the auditions last night in a funk thinking that I had not done a good job of assimilating direction and adjustments. What a relief. I have come close all year. So this feels really good. Kitty is a truly great part and I get to work with my good friend Christopher Hall with a really great company.

I was reading over my post from the other day and had this realization of something so painfully obvious I am embarrassed to share it here. That all those concerns about how I look, my weight, my age etc... have nothing to do with the craft of acting. I don't even think that they have anything to do with the business of acting anymore, really. In the realization I felt this wonderful release of energy, like a great cloud of smoke leaving my body. This sense of freedom in the moment took over. I am now released to focus on the work. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Spaghetti western revelations

An odd old voice came up in class last night. At the end of each month we tape our scenes and they get uploaded to The Natural Act website. (I’ll post a link when this month is ready) I was just sitting there, enjoying watching scenes, inspired by my colleagues in class bringing out their best work when I was ambushed by a host of negative messages from some deep, dark, distant place. “You’re not pretty enough for this business and genetically it’s only going to get worse” “who are you kidding? You’re 50!” and the best one “you’re really setting yourself up for a major disappointment.”

Hmmm I say. I had eaten a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs for lunch because it was really cold and I couldn’t get warm. Sitting there hours later feeling the result of wheat sensitivity, and blood sugars crashing about me, I had the where with all to not respond. I mean these are the voices that had been with me a decade and a half ago, when I was 12 pounds lighter, 15 years younger and seeming light years away from any sense of truth about myself. So, I got up to do my scene with the miraculous Linda Martin feeling old, fat, out of place and more than slightly brain damaged. The amazing thing is, I got up to do my scene. I enjoyed the work and in a matter of time was pretty much swept away by the joy of the moment.

Part of my training as an actor was to get sober. 16 years ago I had to choose between a life of any kind and a downward spiral into a special place reserved for those who are not able to believe in the good things people tell them, or the wonder of the world around them or the potential of amazing transformation that lies with in us all. It still shocks me that all these years later, those voices can still muster the energy to attempt to lay waste to my foundation. But they are old and weak and feeble and no match for my joy... what a relief. I had some protein when I got home and fell asleep with John watching Law & Order. Got up and went for a really good long run... take that demon, voices...

Windy, scattered showers

We're into it now. The windy season. It howls out of the west across the mesa bringing with it lots of dust, and hopeful some film projects.

Its been an intense couple of weeks, with interviews for Art of the Song as well as workshops to take and to facilitate. I have been working from home a lot, I think out of a need to "den up" and not be quite so public. Odd that someone as private as I am has chosen performing as a life path and also chosen to discuss the process here in open forum.

In class the other night Price had us up doing a simple (he always makes it seem simple) exercise. Stand in front of everyone and first, Cry. Real crying. Then Laugh, really laugh. My heart was pounding so hard. I look so f%#$-up when I do either. I was really self conscious and felt this surge of supreme vulnerability come up. Again, seeing us all at our best and most human, yet this time that protective coating was gone and it was so very raw. Not so strange that I found it much harder to laugh than to cry. I have a lot of joy in my life so laughter should be easy right? I have had a lot to sob over in my life but haven't we all? It was hard though, to really let go and be there in the intense grief and giddiness.

Mulling over the scene that I am doing with the miraculous Linda Martin. There is an essential thing missing at the top of the scene that I think comes from not triggering off each other in a real way. We've sort of imposed an obstacle but the real obstacle is that my character has just gone through a life altering experience and the rules have all been changed for her. So my behavior has to be different enough that Linda's character will be moved to respond in a new way.

Hmmm ...

Feeling my way through this return to the craft is cool. I seem to have more resources now emotionally, though I am still tripping my self up. When I look at tape, I am still dealing with seeing a middle aged woman who is not exactly a bombshell by Hollywood standards. Seeing that my self consciousness shows up in really sneaky ways like almost hiding from the camera at times, and collapsing in my midsection so that I look like I am leaking the essential life force out the back of my waist...

I've been told that I need to deal with the visual component of my sexuality by dressing for class as the character would dress and being given scenes where my character is overtly sensual. What is sexy, what shows fire and pizazz for a woman at my stage of life and career?

For me it is more about self confidence and attitude than low cut tops and tight jeans, although they are pretty great. Its about the joy of being in my body, and loving being alive and in relationship to another person. Its about inspiration and giving.

Any perspectives are welcome.