seeking perfection in an imperfect art form...

We just finished the second week of our run with The Love Song of J Robert Oppenheimer. Its really cool to feel it maturing and relaxing into a groove. We all know where the changes are, there is no more sense of low grade panic backstage. Its been replaced with a sense of timing and flow.
There's a thing that happens in the theater now ... the air gets a dense feeling to it, as if it has a texture. Every performance is different... carrying with it the emotions and feelings of each cast member.

For that reason, I think its an imperfect art form. Doesn't seem to be possible to "Do It Right." You can say the words in the right order, get on stage at the same time every night, always do the blocking and the physical business that has been planned, but its never the same. Its always evolving, opening and closing, deepening and moving on... That's what makes it so exciting. The dynamic between two performers is always compelling and always a bit different. As much as I want to hit the same notes every night, they are always colored with a slightly different hue, depending on what I have going on... The beauty is, its seems to add depth to the characters.

I have gotten over my fears of total and abject failure. The key was trust. Trusting that I am growing and developing the character, with in the parameters of the directors vision, but growing none the less.

Wondering what is going to happen after closing... no show lined up... probably need a break... do I want one... nope.

Okay a vow is a vow...

Hello and oh my god... June 17 was so long ago. I remember somewhere in the distant past a vow to blog at least once a week... so I renew my pledge and get on with it...

Rehearsals were nothing short of illuminating. I am not the same person I was the last time I did a show. What's different? I am married, 50 years old, a business owner, a producer with a track record. All these things taken separately are enough to cause a lot of change in a person's way of showing up in the world. Combined and thrown into an old art form, all hell breaks loose.

I learned so much about myself and am happy to report that I am really glad to be acting again. There were moments, many of them, when the rehearsal schedule was going awry in an un-airconditioned theater, without the benefit of AEA union pay (my first show having left the union), that I thought I would really rather have spent the summer in the mountains relaxing.

Now that we are open I am so glad to be digging in... I play Katherine Anne Porter between the ages of 40 & 60 when she is in the belly of life so to speak. I also play several other characters from her life and the fictionalized versions of them that she used in her extraordinary short stories.

If you are in ABQ, do come out to see us... here's a link to a mention on the albuqueruqeARTS blog Impromptu

More later... for sure.

I don't have to choose, do I?

I've been in the midst of many things lately. It seems that there is always a lot to do, but the most fortunate thing is that I love all of it. Last week was fund drive week at Art of the Song Creativity Radio, which featured a Live event, a grant application and our annual letter to fans who support our mission of encouraging creative expression.

Art of the Song Live from the Filling Station in Albuquerque was too fun. Brad Stoddard and Tony Della Flora (Duke City Shoot Out) put together a team to shoot the event for ABQ's new cable access channel 26 Encantada TV. A four camera shoot is not easy with a lot of lead time and a budget. What they pulled off in three weeks, with no budget was amazing. Can't wait to share it with you when the edit is finished.

What does this have to do with acting? I went to a SAG Converstations program last fall with the cast of Breaking Bad. One thing that was repeated there and I've heard elsewhere a million times, is that if there is something you would rather do than act, then do THAT. It made me wonder... because I love doing my radio show, and I love acting. I think that, while I might never be Terry Gross or Laura Linney, I can live an incredibly fulfilling life being me doing both careers. As a Gemini, choices are stressful things. Both is usually the answer. Except when it comes to dessert...oh yes, and husbands.

Spaghetti western revelations

An odd old voice came up in class last night. At the end of each month we tape our scenes and they get uploaded to The Natural Act website. (I’ll post a link when this month is ready) I was just sitting there, enjoying watching scenes, inspired by my colleagues in class bringing out their best work when I was ambushed by a host of negative messages from some deep, dark, distant place. “You’re not pretty enough for this business and genetically it’s only going to get worse” “who are you kidding? You’re 50!” and the best one “you’re really setting yourself up for a major disappointment.”

Hmmm I say. I had eaten a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs for lunch because it was really cold and I couldn’t get warm. Sitting there hours later feeling the result of wheat sensitivity, and blood sugars crashing about me, I had the where with all to not respond. I mean these are the voices that had been with me a decade and a half ago, when I was 12 pounds lighter, 15 years younger and seeming light years away from any sense of truth about myself. So, I got up to do my scene with the miraculous Linda Martin feeling old, fat, out of place and more than slightly brain damaged. The amazing thing is, I got up to do my scene. I enjoyed the work and in a matter of time was pretty much swept away by the joy of the moment.

Part of my training as an actor was to get sober. 16 years ago I had to choose between a life of any kind and a downward spiral into a special place reserved for those who are not able to believe in the good things people tell them, or the wonder of the world around them or the potential of amazing transformation that lies with in us all. It still shocks me that all these years later, those voices can still muster the energy to attempt to lay waste to my foundation. But they are old and weak and feeble and no match for my joy... what a relief. I had some protein when I got home and fell asleep with John watching Law & Order. Got up and went for a really good long run... take that demon, voices...