Windy, scattered showers

We're into it now. The windy season. It howls out of the west across the mesa bringing with it lots of dust, and hopeful some film projects.

Its been an intense couple of weeks, with interviews for Art of the Song as well as workshops to take and to facilitate. I have been working from home a lot, I think out of a need to "den up" and not be quite so public. Odd that someone as private as I am has chosen performing as a life path and also chosen to discuss the process here in open forum.

In class the other night Price had us up doing a simple (he always makes it seem simple) exercise. Stand in front of everyone and first, Cry. Real crying. Then Laugh, really laugh. My heart was pounding so hard. I look so f%#$-up when I do either. I was really self conscious and felt this surge of supreme vulnerability come up. Again, seeing us all at our best and most human, yet this time that protective coating was gone and it was so very raw. Not so strange that I found it much harder to laugh than to cry. I have a lot of joy in my life so laughter should be easy right? I have had a lot to sob over in my life but haven't we all? It was hard though, to really let go and be there in the intense grief and giddiness.

Mulling over the scene that I am doing with the miraculous Linda Martin. There is an essential thing missing at the top of the scene that I think comes from not triggering off each other in a real way. We've sort of imposed an obstacle but the real obstacle is that my character has just gone through a life altering experience and the rules have all been changed for her. So my behavior has to be different enough that Linda's character will be moved to respond in a new way.

Hmmm ...

Feeling my way through this return to the craft is cool. I seem to have more resources now emotionally, though I am still tripping my self up. When I look at tape, I am still dealing with seeing a middle aged woman who is not exactly a bombshell by Hollywood standards. Seeing that my self consciousness shows up in really sneaky ways like almost hiding from the camera at times, and collapsing in my midsection so that I look like I am leaking the essential life force out the back of my waist...

I've been told that I need to deal with the visual component of my sexuality by dressing for class as the character would dress and being given scenes where my character is overtly sensual. What is sexy, what shows fire and pizazz for a woman at my stage of life and career?

For me it is more about self confidence and attitude than low cut tops and tight jeans, although they are pretty great. Its about the joy of being in my body, and loving being alive and in relationship to another person. Its about inspiration and giving.

Any perspectives are welcome.