One of these things is not like the other...

Our solo work class started on Monday with a great small group of people. So interesting that it all happened organically. Glad to have the input of Lynn Miller and my classmates to support the work.

Today is a really good day. I have been writing from within today. An improvement over obsessing on the externals and the obstacles. A day of focus feeling my way into the script with music and poetry. I found a song that has some particularly poignant lyrics around the loyalty theme called A Nobleman's Wedding and learned it... playing and singing brought me to a very grounded place, as music always will.

There is a line in the song that references "Never come between the bark and the tree." Its such a powerful image. We know that when the bark is separated from the tree, the tree will die. So I have been playing with the idea. That must be how an deported Irish citizen, deported by a foreign government from their own ancestral land must have felt. As if they had been separated from all that protected and supported them. Perhaps that is how Eva felt... that she had separated the bark from the tree when she told Kevin to turn down the plea agreement in favor of 7 years transportation to a penal colony in Van Dieman's Land. I know that neither of them were ever the same again.

When the writing slowed up I started a list of how Eva and I are similar and how we are different. Surprised to find that we are very much the same, and very very different in ways I wouldn't have expected.

Also made some plans for my trip to NYC and have an appointment to visit with Marilynn Scott Murphy, of Professional Artists, the agent I was with when I lived & worked there. It was like yesterday, and I have been gone 10 years. Need to process that a little... okay... a lot.

Feeling really good about the work even though I know I have a long way to go. That's what its about isn't it? Having faith in the project and putting in the hours?

The Lynn's have it!

Its been a hectic week. One that while not conducive to sitting and writing, it has produced some really valuable things.

First and probably most importantly is that having my Tues/Thurs boundary breached by Art of the Song work and travel days, I have reinforced them with a certain strength of mind and conviction.

Second, and also most important given the opportunity, I have spoken with a couple of insightful people about the project and the conversations have led to an expanded sense of what the piece can become.

Third, and most daunting is that I have committed to having something ready to show at the Filling Station's SOLO fest in July... yes of 2010. I haven't promised something FINISHED. Just something.

I start Lynn Miller's class with two other solo artists on Monday, which will kick it into a whole other gear entirely. Exciting...

Until yesterday, I was really looking at this as an historical piece dealing specifically with Eva's experience. If I do that, I might as well write fiction as so little is known about her other than her poetry and a few journal pages that have been found.

But last night I was visiting with my friend Lynn Hamrick and started telling her some of the stories and experiences I had on my first trip to Ireland. My trip was filled with some hilarious experiences... well in hindsight funny but at the time... kind of a mind f*#&. She leaned forward and looked at me intensely and said, "You have to include ALL of this!"

Eva had great faith and conviction. And loyalty. I had no faith, my convictions were misplaced and loyalty was something that I knew very little about. So the confluence of the two energies created a vortex. It feels right to explore it...

I think you can go back...just differently

I am revisiting an idea that I had 18 years ago. To write a one woman show about the life of my great great grandmother Mary Eva Kelly, from County Galway. She was a romantic nationalist poet and her nom de plume was “Eva of the Nation.” She pledged to marry Kevin Izod O’Doherty, a founding member of the Young Irelanders movement that was active in the 1840’s. Kevin was arrested for his activities and was sent to Van Dieman’s Land before they could wed. If you know anything about Irish history then you know of the famine and the troubles that plagued the country at that time. Imagine a young woman growing up in that time, falling in love and waiting 7 years until her love returned... One source said their's was one of the Great Romances of Irish History.

Interesting that today is the first day of Eva in studio and I have no journal prepared to write in... no notebook assigned so I am forced to go on record in this computer.

It is March 16, 2010.

I committed to return to this idea on Feb 15, 2010 at the encouragement of two friends who are both accomplished creators of solo work, Lynn Miller and Courtney Cunningham. They will act as guides in the process as well.

As it happens that particular day was Eva’s Birthday 180th birthday. Feb 15, 1830. Nearly 20 years after my first attempt at writing her story as a one woman show. Support (or rather lack of it) is the thing that stopped me cold the first time... so it is wonderful to know that my husband John, my coach Eric and my neighbor Kathleen are also holding space...

I am going to be working on Eva Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays all day in studio... I am sure that I will have time in between as well.

Today I plan not so much to think about what I did or didn’t do... that is a long tale of traveling to Ireland to research her life and write the play. That is a story that ultimately would have to tell how I bottomed out as an alcoholic instead, and returned to start a new life in New York City and get sober in 1992. Revisiting the play was a painful thing until now, reminding me of my failure to complete it and the depths to which alcoholism took me.
Today it is exciting... joyous and meant to be.

I have cleaned my studio space... Lit candles on the altar, my favorite incense too. and have found two of my favorite Irish music CD’s to listen to while I begin. As suggested by Twyla Tharp I have a basket in which to place all materials that pertain to the project.
All that is in it now is her name...

I am keeping it simple today; starting the process with these three things...
Create a photo collage that will guide me featuring the lineage...
Create a time line
Start a story board of what I remember to be a great start 18 years ago...

More later...

taking small steps...

funny thing about being an actor and a radio host... I am really shy about putting my work out for people to see. So in an effort to lose that self sabotaging shyness I am posting an audition here that I did for a really neat film called A Christmas Snow that required we audition through YouTube and FaceBook... I wish I could get the thumbnail to change... its wicked goofy...



let me know what you think...

Oh is that what you meant...

I took a workshop this weekend with Jane Jenkins and Janet Hirshenson. I went in with no expectations and guess what! I wasn't disappointed. The experience sort of ripened on me today... mulling over what the feedback was:

You have to get rid of this tentative quality if you are going to really dive into the deep end of the pool...

It resonated... but not really until just now. I see it so clearly. I am always testing the waters and checking myself from simply fully committing to choices. So what I thought was a lukewarm comment about a scene, was a gem of observation from some of the best in the business.

How lucky am I?

I don't have to choose, do I?

I've been in the midst of many things lately. It seems that there is always a lot to do, but the most fortunate thing is that I love all of it. Last week was fund drive week at Art of the Song Creativity Radio, which featured a Live event, a grant application and our annual letter to fans who support our mission of encouraging creative expression.

Art of the Song Live from the Filling Station in Albuquerque was too fun. Brad Stoddard and Tony Della Flora (Duke City Shoot Out) put together a team to shoot the event for ABQ's new cable access channel 26 Encantada TV. A four camera shoot is not easy with a lot of lead time and a budget. What they pulled off in three weeks, with no budget was amazing. Can't wait to share it with you when the edit is finished.

What does this have to do with acting? I went to a SAG Converstations program last fall with the cast of Breaking Bad. One thing that was repeated there and I've heard elsewhere a million times, is that if there is something you would rather do than act, then do THAT. It made me wonder... because I love doing my radio show, and I love acting. I think that, while I might never be Terry Gross or Laura Linney, I can live an incredibly fulfilling life being me doing both careers. As a Gemini, choices are stressful things. Both is usually the answer. Except when it comes to dessert...oh yes, and husbands.

Spaghetti western revelations

An odd old voice came up in class last night. At the end of each month we tape our scenes and they get uploaded to The Natural Act website. (I’ll post a link when this month is ready) I was just sitting there, enjoying watching scenes, inspired by my colleagues in class bringing out their best work when I was ambushed by a host of negative messages from some deep, dark, distant place. “You’re not pretty enough for this business and genetically it’s only going to get worse” “who are you kidding? You’re 50!” and the best one “you’re really setting yourself up for a major disappointment.”

Hmmm I say. I had eaten a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs for lunch because it was really cold and I couldn’t get warm. Sitting there hours later feeling the result of wheat sensitivity, and blood sugars crashing about me, I had the where with all to not respond. I mean these are the voices that had been with me a decade and a half ago, when I was 12 pounds lighter, 15 years younger and seeming light years away from any sense of truth about myself. So, I got up to do my scene with the miraculous Linda Martin feeling old, fat, out of place and more than slightly brain damaged. The amazing thing is, I got up to do my scene. I enjoyed the work and in a matter of time was pretty much swept away by the joy of the moment.

Part of my training as an actor was to get sober. 16 years ago I had to choose between a life of any kind and a downward spiral into a special place reserved for those who are not able to believe in the good things people tell them, or the wonder of the world around them or the potential of amazing transformation that lies with in us all. It still shocks me that all these years later, those voices can still muster the energy to attempt to lay waste to my foundation. But they are old and weak and feeble and no match for my joy... what a relief. I had some protein when I got home and fell asleep with John watching Law & Order. Got up and went for a really good long run... take that demon, voices...

Windy, scattered showers

We're into it now. The windy season. It howls out of the west across the mesa bringing with it lots of dust, and hopeful some film projects.

Its been an intense couple of weeks, with interviews for Art of the Song as well as workshops to take and to facilitate. I have been working from home a lot, I think out of a need to "den up" and not be quite so public. Odd that someone as private as I am has chosen performing as a life path and also chosen to discuss the process here in open forum.

In class the other night Price had us up doing a simple (he always makes it seem simple) exercise. Stand in front of everyone and first, Cry. Real crying. Then Laugh, really laugh. My heart was pounding so hard. I look so f%#$-up when I do either. I was really self conscious and felt this surge of supreme vulnerability come up. Again, seeing us all at our best and most human, yet this time that protective coating was gone and it was so very raw. Not so strange that I found it much harder to laugh than to cry. I have a lot of joy in my life so laughter should be easy right? I have had a lot to sob over in my life but haven't we all? It was hard though, to really let go and be there in the intense grief and giddiness.

Mulling over the scene that I am doing with the miraculous Linda Martin. There is an essential thing missing at the top of the scene that I think comes from not triggering off each other in a real way. We've sort of imposed an obstacle but the real obstacle is that my character has just gone through a life altering experience and the rules have all been changed for her. So my behavior has to be different enough that Linda's character will be moved to respond in a new way.

Hmmm ...

Feeling my way through this return to the craft is cool. I seem to have more resources now emotionally, though I am still tripping my self up. When I look at tape, I am still dealing with seeing a middle aged woman who is not exactly a bombshell by Hollywood standards. Seeing that my self consciousness shows up in really sneaky ways like almost hiding from the camera at times, and collapsing in my midsection so that I look like I am leaking the essential life force out the back of my waist...

I've been told that I need to deal with the visual component of my sexuality by dressing for class as the character would dress and being given scenes where my character is overtly sensual. What is sexy, what shows fire and pizazz for a woman at my stage of life and career?

For me it is more about self confidence and attitude than low cut tops and tight jeans, although they are pretty great. Its about the joy of being in my body, and loving being alive and in relationship to another person. Its about inspiration and giving.

Any perspectives are welcome.

Getting naked in a shared dressing room with strangers anyone?

There is a shredder truck outside my office window and even my noise canceling headphones can't keep up... so I am taking refuge in a new Art of the Song show going out today with Rokia Traore, she is fabulous. Muuuuchhhh better now...

My audition was great. The director and producer had all the women called back in the room together reading with two different partners... It was interesting and weird at the same time. It was like going to Century 21 in NYC and having to undress in front of half of the other women working downtown, shopping on their lunch hour.

I loved being present for other people's work but kept having to remind myself that I was there to AUDITION, not teach or be a classmate. So it was a great lesson in focus and equanimity. I did not get the part (damn) but my dear friend Beth Bailey did so I am okay with it. I know the part will be served exceptionally well! And there are more opportunities with Mother Road. So I have another shot at it soon.

I pulled a monologue from the audition that I am using tonight for a workshop with Cathy Henderson. I'm really excited about the piece. It has a deep sense of longing to be remembered in the world; a need to have made a difference and that her life had meaning. That she was truly alive in the world even a little bit. There is a need to be absolved from the perceived sins that she had partaken in to feel that aliveness. So it has wonderful levels of vulnerability and power, juxtapositioned with a sense that the End is here so there is an urgency to know the answer to the question "did my life matter."

The workshop is going to be really great on Sunday. Cathy has a lot of projects at the moment and there will also be a couple of directors and producers in attendance. That's what I'm talkin' about...

On Saturday I am moderating a series of talks in our Your Creative Career TeleSummit... Still time to sign up! Check out my first ever teleconference call that is posted there about how to find your authentic voice when you are pitching your work.

I guess my auditions and posting are proof of the pudding...