Visualize Good Housekeeping's gold medallion here...

Why is it so difficult to allow time for the creative process? Is it that I am afraid of what I will hear when I get quiet enough to listen to what my inner voice is saying? Is it that I feel guilty taking time away from my company that sorely needs me to show up and figure out ways of making money for it (and consequently me and John...) Or is it that I am truly an unmotivated person with no real ideas about what to write?

All of the above and I think the latter statement is the voice that I am afraid to hear when I get quiet. As my beloved sister says - the fear of being No Talent Scum. When she says that, I want to tackle her and hold my hand over her mouth, or plug my ears and scream "LALALALALA i'm not listen to you"... It feels like an afront to all that is holy in the Law of Attraction. "No," I cry..."you are inviting "No Talent" and certainly "Scum" into this sacred studio space!" I enter into a downward spiral of demands that lead to less and less worthy behaviors, that must be met for my plummeting self-esteem in its dark journey to feel vindicated...See I was right... I really am Not Good. In turn I spend more time in the company of folks that love to dig around in the muck with nothing much good to say. (though today I had lunch with Three Wonderful Women and feel very upheld!)

These episodes are usually triggered by a moment when I am confronted with my own frailty. Today I acknowledge that I am feeling really fragile. In being an artist there is an inherent need for approval yet I must also be capable of spending hours upon hours alone in my studio doing what it is that I have stated I am... Actress & writer. The only approval I need is my own. Yes, I am writing this show. Yes, I do not feel up to the task. Yes, my story is meaningful, even if only for me... yes, yes and yes again.

It is 3:30 pm on Tuesday. My beloved stepson left this morning, and there were calls that I should have not taken and a lunch I could have postponed to a non-Eva day...

So at this late hour in the day, I sit down and at least got this much down. I am available for these next three hours. And unlike my need for a Seal of Approval saying how picture perfect I am, I shall write for a while untamed.

*** updated at 7:00 pm ... Three pages written... feeling pretty darn good about it too...***

The Lynn's have it!

Its been a hectic week. One that while not conducive to sitting and writing, it has produced some really valuable things.

First and probably most importantly is that having my Tues/Thurs boundary breached by Art of the Song work and travel days, I have reinforced them with a certain strength of mind and conviction.

Second, and also most important given the opportunity, I have spoken with a couple of insightful people about the project and the conversations have led to an expanded sense of what the piece can become.

Third, and most daunting is that I have committed to having something ready to show at the Filling Station's SOLO fest in July... yes of 2010. I haven't promised something FINISHED. Just something.

I start Lynn Miller's class with two other solo artists on Monday, which will kick it into a whole other gear entirely. Exciting...

Until yesterday, I was really looking at this as an historical piece dealing specifically with Eva's experience. If I do that, I might as well write fiction as so little is known about her other than her poetry and a few journal pages that have been found.

But last night I was visiting with my friend Lynn Hamrick and started telling her some of the stories and experiences I had on my first trip to Ireland. My trip was filled with some hilarious experiences... well in hindsight funny but at the time... kind of a mind f*#&. She leaned forward and looked at me intensely and said, "You have to include ALL of this!"

Eva had great faith and conviction. And loyalty. I had no faith, my convictions were misplaced and loyalty was something that I knew very little about. So the confluence of the two energies created a vortex. It feels right to explore it...

"cockles and mussels alive alive o" it ain't but there are some similarities...

Day two of concentrated work on Eva. Almost finished reading her book of poetry picture to the right.

Biggest difference since the first time I tried this... the internet. I read something confusing, I look it up on Wiki. Amazing material there about both Eva and Kevin Izod O'Doherty. Also able to research in Australia, England, the US and Canada.

And another thing... itunes. Eva set several of her poems to popular music of the time. Including Irish Molly O... which is disturbingly sticky as songs go. Don't try it, just trust me, because if you listen to it you'll call me in the middle of the night cursing...

wrapping up for the day with a timeline, photos adorning my desk and blog, a basket full of research and the bones of an original tune to one of her more heartbreakingly beautiful laments Bridget Cruises to Carolan. Interesting title. Not sure what Cruises means in this instance. I don't think she had a low rider...

I think you can go back...just differently

I am revisiting an idea that I had 18 years ago. To write a one woman show about the life of my great great grandmother Mary Eva Kelly, from County Galway. She was a romantic nationalist poet and her nom de plume was “Eva of the Nation.” She pledged to marry Kevin Izod O’Doherty, a founding member of the Young Irelanders movement that was active in the 1840’s. Kevin was arrested for his activities and was sent to Van Dieman’s Land before they could wed. If you know anything about Irish history then you know of the famine and the troubles that plagued the country at that time. Imagine a young woman growing up in that time, falling in love and waiting 7 years until her love returned... One source said their's was one of the Great Romances of Irish History.

Interesting that today is the first day of Eva in studio and I have no journal prepared to write in... no notebook assigned so I am forced to go on record in this computer.

It is March 16, 2010.

I committed to return to this idea on Feb 15, 2010 at the encouragement of two friends who are both accomplished creators of solo work, Lynn Miller and Courtney Cunningham. They will act as guides in the process as well.

As it happens that particular day was Eva’s Birthday 180th birthday. Feb 15, 1830. Nearly 20 years after my first attempt at writing her story as a one woman show. Support (or rather lack of it) is the thing that stopped me cold the first time... so it is wonderful to know that my husband John, my coach Eric and my neighbor Kathleen are also holding space...

I am going to be working on Eva Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays all day in studio... I am sure that I will have time in between as well.

Today I plan not so much to think about what I did or didn’t do... that is a long tale of traveling to Ireland to research her life and write the play. That is a story that ultimately would have to tell how I bottomed out as an alcoholic instead, and returned to start a new life in New York City and get sober in 1992. Revisiting the play was a painful thing until now, reminding me of my failure to complete it and the depths to which alcoholism took me.
Today it is exciting... joyous and meant to be.

I have cleaned my studio space... Lit candles on the altar, my favorite incense too. and have found two of my favorite Irish music CD’s to listen to while I begin. As suggested by Twyla Tharp I have a basket in which to place all materials that pertain to the project.
All that is in it now is her name...

I am keeping it simple today; starting the process with these three things...
Create a photo collage that will guide me featuring the lineage...
Create a time line
Start a story board of what I remember to be a great start 18 years ago...

More later...

taking small steps...

funny thing about being an actor and a radio host... I am really shy about putting my work out for people to see. So in an effort to lose that self sabotaging shyness I am posting an audition here that I did for a really neat film called A Christmas Snow that required we audition through YouTube and FaceBook... I wish I could get the thumbnail to change... its wicked goofy...



let me know what you think...

The Beauty and the Beast...

2009 was an amazing year of discovery for me. I read back over this blog and see that in the year that I have been posting I booked two short films (one lead, one supporting), a day player role on a hit TV show and lead roles in two plays. This feels good to me. Very good.

Along side the work, I also have been doing a lot classes and workshops which have been an important part of my reconnecting to myself as an actor. The fact that I have a second chance is the continued work of angels seen and unseen.

In the workshops I’ve been given a huge range of characters to portray. In one (actually a paid gig to workshop a great new film script) the feedback I received was that I had a very feminine vibe, fragile and interesting, similar to Juliet Binoche... in another casting workshop I was given a part for seriously broad comedy a la Sandy Martin. On one hand fragile beauty, on the other, comedic character lady. My ego loves the first one of course and feels betrayed by the second. But my actor self is thrilled by the prospect that, with a little more work, I could pull off both, raising my booking potential exponentially.

It reminds me of an experience I had in India. I was at a teaching with His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama. As you may know... India is hard on a body. Really hard. It was a cold morning and I was deep in thought about the teaching. During a tea break, I got up to stretch my legs and as I navigated the thousands of people (Westerners, Asians, Tibetans, Indians and more) I ran into a friend. She looked concerned and said, “Viv, are you okay? You look really worn down! Be careful... get some rest.” I took it to heart and kept working my way to the back of the tent. About ten steps later I ran into another friend who grasped my shoulders and looked deep into my eyes saying, “Viv! You look radiant! This experience is clearly good for you!”

I call this the Emptiness of Viv’s Face. Maybe this could become my greatest asset as an actor. To create a character and then let the audience alone to choose their own experience. To disappear into the neutral zone between dualities and let the viewer decide.

To be both ... this is my quest...

Will you still love me when I'm 64

I am taking a workshop this weekend that is really great. Chris Cuilla and Chadwick Struck are leading a really practical approach to building and maintaining a career as an actor in the regional markets here in Albuquerque as well as in Los Angeles. Its a lot of information and its really great to go over the nuts and bolts of the biz. Chris talks about reasonable goal setting and Chadwick will be auditioning us tomorrow and giving feedback. Its a great workshop and I highly recommend it.

For Christmas I received a book from my step - father that I swear, if it had been written before 2000 I would never have left New York on my wild tangent that took me to New Mexico.
(But then again, if I hadn't have done that I wouldn't have met my beloved husband, nor would I have my own syndicated public radio show on over 225 stations nationwide... so some tangents are fruitful. But I digress...again)

This book is called Working on the Inside: The Spiritual Life through the Eyes of Actors

If this had been available I would not have left the business for 7 years. The book interviews artists like Liam Neeson, Kristin Chenoweth, Phylicia Rashad and more about the way they balance their lives as working actors.

You see, the craft of acting is a creative path and a spiritual path for me. It has all the same components of ritual, silence, listening, transcendence (one hopes) and communion with something mysterious and complete. The book is giving me reason to hope that I'll be celebrating my 65 birthday with a really solid imdb page of credits and a deep sense of satisfaction of a career well balanced with life.